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| i don't understand why i'm always the friend that gets pushed aside. it's been like this for as long as i can remember with girl friends, all the way back to middle school. once, i started a friendship with two girls. we did absolutely everything together. things were great. things were awesome, lots of wonderful memories were made. but then after a while, i noticed that my two friends were doing more together, and i was accidentally being left out. excuses were made like "oh it was just something we did spontaneously", " we didn't know where you were." "we thought you were busy." eventually i got tired of not being included (and they actually made me feel like i would be inviting myself if i were to hang out with them, when the 3 of us were equally friends in the beginning.) then i got too depressed about the whole situation and i just drifted away. i found new friends(or a new group to hang out with). this happened a lot to me growing up, all the way to high school. i thought things were different , i thought times had changed. i thought that was just a middle/school thing. so i don't understand. i don't get it....why am i the one not wanted?..not needed...am i not good enough? am i not fun enough?..in my point of view, i'm always giving, giving, giving to my friends. i will go over and beyond for my friends. i will do ANYTHING for them. but i'm always the one not included as much, whether it means being included to go to a party or grab a bite to eat, any little thing or being asked help with problems. why do they go to someone else for help when we're all supposed to be best friends? i thought things were different this time. i thought our friendship was different...better. but no, i guess it's not. b/c, i'm once again being pushed to the side and not needed around. they have more in common....they bond over cigarettes and drinkin alcohol and the single life. they blame it on me b/c i'm always with my boyfriend but i'm hardly with him, at least during the day/afternoon. i'm not mad, i'm not disappointed. i'm just sick of it always happening to ME. i'm used to it, which is sad to think about: i'm used to being dumped on. so then why am i complaining then, if i'm so used to it?
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| so it's been awhile,.....
things have been going really well. my doin the relationship thing and we've already been together for a month already-it sure went by fast! that's for sure. i have to say, i had the best valentine's day too, probably b/c it was the first time i've had a valentine, but no seriously, i couldn't have asked for a better guy.. um...school work was startin to pick up last week, two papers, and a hand full of tests..but now it's beginning to slow down a little, but i'm going to do my best to stay on top of things. i feel like i have to do just as well this semester as last semester. so i've got this pressure happening..but i actually think i'm the one pointin it on myself, my parents sure aren't stressin me out or anything. oh well, what can i say? i've always been really big into doin well in school-that comes first, in my mind.
um...let's see, i've decided FOR SURE i'm not goin to worry about the sorority thing, i thought maybe it's what i wanted but i've realized the only thing i was longing for was some genuine friendship with girls. i've always had guy friends and i'm more likely to become friends with guys way before girls. but coming to a new school and not having girlfriends leaves me feeling empty. i'm used to having my ashley near by and go to her whenever i have a problem, but now i'm up here and i needed girls i can trust and go to when i have issues. but i've found that, so i'm good, i don't need a huge sorority to fill that gap.
this weekend is mardi gras on the coast, and i'm not going. bradley and josh were disappointed b/c that was probably one of the most fun times we had on the coast-great memories i'll tell ya. but part of me is really upset that the pass is still overwhelmed with debris and then with the parade, people are just going to add to all that garbage with beer bottles, beads, etc. i mean, the streets would be shitty for a good week and a half before, but we had the city and school organizations to clean up afterwards....that don't have that now. so it's more like this cause for celebration is just goin to cause a set back in any of the progress being made. but oh well, i know everyone down there needs a reason to be happy about something. i just wish things were different, then i'd be down there in a heart beat!
i don't have much of anything goin on this weekend, so i'm excited! time to do nothing and relax....it'll be a nice change from last weekend, too much happened last weekend, i just want this weekend to do a whole lot of nothing. lol, | | |
| One of lifes little secrets: if you sit really still you can hear your eyelashes touching.
Another is that it takes 21 days to form a habit.
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| i'm sorry if i want out, but......i want out. these things just aren't for me, not at this moment anyway.
i miss him and the way he would look at me. all this time, and he's still in my head.
i miss my home.
is it okay if i wanna cry all the time..i mean i realize a good cry is okay every once and awhile, but i find myself wantin to cry at several different times of the day (not every day, but still)...i'm feeling down and i can't get rid of it.
i just want to be alone. it's the only way i'll be able to figure me out. | | |
| sorry everyone, i won't be updating for awhile..you'll just have to manage without me..i'm goin down to the coast this weekend to visit my friends who i miss like crazy!!! i hope everyone is having a kick ass break from school, it sure is peachy!! lol, anywho..i'll update when i get back tuesday and tell ya all the juicy details..b/c if i know my friends we'll find some kind of adventure to get into. love ya!!
~Daryl | | |
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